50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts THE FANFIC
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: This is based off kakkanobi's 50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts and will be multichapter. crackfic, no pairings, alcobol inhibited Mary Sue
1. Chapter 1

2stupid: This is about what would happen if we actually did one of those "x ways to piss y person off" fanfics. The first one's "50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts" by kakkanobi.

Tensa-chan: This was done without kakkanobi or whoever else's permission, also without Rumiko Takahashi's.

2stupid: You mean Kishimoto Masashi.

Tensa-chan: No. I mean Rumiko.

2stupid: But Kishimoto-san wrote Naruto.

Tensa-chan: All the authors whose fanfics we have illegally copied have already had disclaimers. Someday, I will do a Ranma one. That's the reason for Rumiko's appearance.

2stupid: Do it in a different fic, baka.

Tensa-chan: Fine, teme.

2stupid: How do you say "bitch" in Japanese? Anyway, get rolled over by the blitzkrieg.

Tensa-chan: The blitzkrieg's long dead. The sitzkrieg too.

2stupid: Bakemono.

Tensa-chan: Muahahaha. Another year in the canyon! (see my other fics).

50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts

Part 1

Kakashi was enjoying an expresso at Starbuck's and looking up Kurenai's phone number when Jiraiya came up, angry, calling him a "person with no values whatsoever" and other such crap. Giggling in the background was a young girl named Tensa-chan, also the resident Mary Sue with no alcohol tolerance whatsoever and who just so happened to be listening to a record of Naruto farting in Kiba's face. She was playing it loudly on speakers and had been following around for half a day. Having a feeling she was involved, Kakashi ran towards her, but Jiraiya demolished a block of Konoha including the school, a small part of the Uchiha and Hyuuga compounds, and Ichiraku ramen beating him up. After that, he was in no condition to search for an alcohol-deprived Mary Sue.

After that, Konoha held a meeting to decide what to do with the widespread damage. All the Jounin were waiting for Kakashi to arrive. A few hours later, he did, feeling ominous about the meeting. He had reason to: as soon as he walked in the door, he heard the intercom crackle. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he heard a honey-sweet voice he was sure belonged to the Mary Sue crackle on.

"All Music Courtesy of Kakashi Hatake." Kakashi gulped when he heard the voice.

To start the meeting, Asuma stood up to talk about matters. Before he could say anything, however, the intercom crackled.

"Ahem, I would like—" The poor Jounin got no further as "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson roared over the radio. Vainly, he attempted to continue his speech, but the song drowned him out repreatedly.

"—this meeting starts to have the Jounin of Konoha—"

"—I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly—"

"—damages Jiraiya and Kakashi made to the fifteenth block of—"

"—make a wish, take a chance, and break away—"

After many such incidents, Asuma finally gave up and sat down again. When Kurenai stood up, preparing to send a genjutsu through the sound waves of the music to "Breakaway" when it turned on, the intercom blared again. This time it was "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani. Unfortunately, Kurenai had released her genjutsu, which came out badly with the music, and all the Jounin were affected. For a while, it was chaos.

Finally, a brave young man named Gai stood up to speak. His song was "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain. Needless to say, he was soon crying buckets over the loss of his "Flames of Youth" and all the rest of the annoyed Jounin were floating on whatever they could find.

After Gai's tears finally drained away, the Hokage finally decided to speak for himself and dismiss the messed up meeting. However, at that exact moment, he heard the strains of "Ordinary People" by John Legend. As Kakashi stood up either to escape or apologize, a bass voice could be heard playing the Macarena. Annoyed to hell and back, the assembly of Jounin threw itself on Kakashi. In the end, Kakashi had to be ferried to the hospital by a couple of amused ANBU. Halfway there, they were interrupted by the Mary Sue, who told them she was a medic nin. You really had to feel sorry for Kakashi.

The Mary Sue dragged him into his apartment, grinned evilly, then handed him some pasty white antiseptic. It felt gritty under his fingers, yet somehow familiar. Feeling distrustful, he chose to use it anyways. Big mistake. He screeched, feeling the burn, a hundred times worse than salt water. Too late, his mind realized what the gritty feeling was. It was super-concentrated saline solution with bits of dangerous odds and ends, guaranteed effective in torture. The Mary Sue just giggled.

"Did you like my special antiseptic, _Dave?_" she asked. This was so fun!

"D-don't c-c-c-call… m-m-me… D-dave!" Kakashi managed to stutter out, attempting to ignore the pain and failing terribly.

"As you wish, _David._ I want you to remember my name: Tensa-chan. Got it? Good," with that, the evil Mary Sue left Kakashi to suffer all on his own, and went to get Starbucks and Crème Savers.

"Don't call me David either, (bleep)," Kakashi managed to gasp out.

"Fine then, _Davey,_" the Mary Sue shot back at the door of his apartment. She went through the door—and did a smokeless teleportation jutsu, vanishing easily. Well, she was a Mary Sue, after all.

At Starbuck's she saw a certain forgotten phone book lying open on a table at the newly rebuilt café. Doing that, she decided to do the next thing she thought of, namely give Sakura Kakashi's phone number.

"Secret Bloodline Limit: Kekkei Genkai copy! Sharingan copy! Now I just need to copy Kakashi's writing…"

That afternoon, after practice, when a bandaged Kakash poofed out to the hospital, Tensa-chan, our favorite Mary Sue, poofed in as soon as Sakura had separated from Naruto and Sasuke.

"Kakashi-sensei told me to give this to you, Sakura-san," she said, handing Sakura a sealed envelope. Sakura opened it to find… Kakashi's phone number, with the words "Call me!" and a heart on it as well. Sakura stared at it, then pulled out her cell phone. Kakashi was going to get it now.

The Mary Sue listened via phone tap as Sakura screamed at a confused Kakashi over the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Sakura: What did you give me you phone number for, you big (bleep)ing pervert! Hentai! I would never go out with you!

Kakashi: Umm, Sakura, I didn't…

Sakura: Liar! It's your writing too! I know what your writing looks like! Don't try to lie to me, pervert.

Kakashi: But, Kurenai…

Sakura: Player! You're hitting off Kurenai too, aren't you! (bleep)ing (bleep) pervert!

Kakashi: No, wait-

Sakura: I'm coming over to beat you up! I'm coming! You better have a (bleep) good excuse! (slams down phone) –click-

Kakashi: (listens to buzzing tone) I'm doomed… I just haven't bothered laying down yet.

The Mary Sue liked the idea so well she wrote another note, this time giving it to Sasuke. This is what happened between them:

Sasuke: (calmly and dangerously) Kakashi, why did you give me your phone number? And send it by mail?

Kakashi: Ummm…

Sasuke: I'm not gay, you know. Then I couldn't bring back my clan.

(Mysterious voice in background sighs in relief. Neither Sasuke nor Kakashi hears it.)

Kakashi: You don't have to be gay. It's that stupid Mary Sue.

Sasuke: And next you're going to say she's stalking you, right? You have really bad excuses.

Kakashi: Oh, crap.

Sasuke: Are you gay?

Kakashi: (wasn't listening) Ummm, yes? I wasn't—

Itachi: Don't even try it, Sharingan Kakashi-sempai!

Sasuke: (enraged) Evil Aniki! I will kill you!

Itachi: Don't yell over the phone, foolish otouto. And you have a long ways to go before you kill me. You haven't even awoken your Mangekyou yet.

Sasuke: I'm coming to kill you now. I know where the Akatsuki base is, and I just got permission to attack. I'm coming. Be there in a week. -Click-

Kakashi: What's Itachi doing listening on my phone line? And what _did_ Sasuke just ask?

Itachi: Kakashi, I'm coming from Akatsuki base with Kisame to use Tsukiyomi on you. –click-

Kakashi: At least I'm straight. Hmmm, better warn Hokage-sama. –click-

(suddenly, the phone rings again)

Mysterious Voice: Seven days, and seven nights.

The Mary Sue couldn't stop laughing her head off. She booted up her computer to write the incidents down. Then, she stopped to read a KakaIru fic. She had a drastic idea.

The next day, Kakashi picked up the phone. It was Iruka, and their conversation went something like this:

Kakashi: Hello, who's calling?

Iruka: Ahem, Kakashi-san. This is Umino Iruka. Ummm, why did you send me your phone number?

Kakashi: Now you? Damn that Mary Sue!

Iruka: Ummm, who?

Kakashi: The Mary Sue is the one who gave you that number, not me. I don't know who she is, but she's out to get me. She's already messed up my Jounin meeting, too.

Iruka: I see. –click-

Kakashi: Well, that went well, considering the rest of my day. –click-

As Kakashi turned around, he saw the Mary Sue sitting on his bed, giggling at him. But before he could get to strangle her, she waved at him then poofed away, leaving behind copious amounts of sulfuric gas.

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End of Chapter 1. Chapter 2 up soon. This is just to prove that I don't have to write HP crossovers, but it's not my fault JK Rowling's a little vague. And the vaguer the story, the easier it is to write fanfictions. Unless it's Naruto. Naruto's fine.


	2. Chapter 2

2stupid: Hello, I'm back. And welcome to the second installment of this hilariously idiotic joke involving my alter ego, who is unable to reply seeing as she is in the story and plot. Thank god. So, we don't own Naruto, I don't own Tensa-chan, and it seems kakkanobi has decided to approve our story for the time being. Sadly, only a few ways are present here. But they're funny. I decided to expand a little, hope no one minds.

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50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts

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Part 2

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Kakashi swore that he would get revenge on that cruel and evil Mary Sue as he stepped out of the foul gas, coughing. Unfortunately, she had gotten the better of him as he accidentally set off a well-made trap that released a powerful sleeping gas into the air. He might be an ex-ANBU captain but she's a Mary Sue- and protected by the omnipotent Mary Sue Organization… until their defeat a few days ago in another fanfic.

The Mary Sue giggled evilly as she stole Kakashi's ninja sandals, and then snuck into his kitchen for some peanut butter and a knife. After taking a lick and pulling off Kakashi's mask to reveal his handsome face, she began spreading peanut butter thickly all over his feet, then began searching for his dog whistle. After finding that, she snuck out of his house and over town for some stray dogs.

Soon, the sleeping drug had mostly worn off and Tensa-chan, our lovely Mary Sue, blew on the whistle. At the signal, the dogs burst into the house and towards Kakashi. The poor Copy Nin woke up to the strange, ticklish sensation of having dogs slobbering all over his feet. Groaning, he looked at them, to see… two tan blobs? What did she do to his feet! He nearly gave himself a heart attack as he thought of the possibilities, but thankfully only fell over unconscious in mental trauma, frothing at the mouth. (AN: You know, kinda like in the manga when Sakura was under Kakashi's genjutsu in the waay beginning during the Genin Exam/ bell test/ survival (yeah, right!) training?) The Mary Sue took the time to dump some hot water on his crotch.

Luckily for him, when Kakashi woke up, the dogs were gone and his feet were fine, if a little wrinkly (as would anyone whose feet have been soaking in dog spittle for a few hours)—to the eye. He dismissed the entire incident as a hallucination from the gas and was relieved that nothing worse had happened. As he got put them on the floor, he felt a squelching noise and realized that his feet were full of semi-dried dog spittle and traces of peanut butter. His jaw felt a little cold, and when he looked in the mirror, he saw… himself, a little wrinkly in the face (as would anyone whose face had been soaking in spittle-foam for the past few hours), with… a white beard that matched his hair! He looked old! Then he remembered that the feet are a good indication of age, but saw that they were wrinkly too!

Panicking, he desperately tried to remember the legend of Rip Van Winkle when his subconscious processed the previous information and calmed the rest of his mind down. Sighing in relief, he looked at his hands to make sure that he was still only 26, then got up in order to take a shower.

Just then, he felt the (miraculously) still warm water where the Mary Sue had dumped it, then went on to think of the first reasonable explanation that he could think of, something he had done last when he was three, when his father came home angry from his (first!) failed mission and promptly became temporarily insane. (He did apologize the next day. After Kakashi was already in the hospital) He decided he really needed to take a shower.

Tensa-chan watched in anticipation as the nude Jounin stepped into the shower… and then chuckled evilly. She left her perch to begin phase two…

"Help, there's an emergency at Kakashi's house! Help!" rang across town that day as random people (Tensa-chan using disguises (not Henge, so the elite Jounin and Chuunin can't see through anything) and makeup) screamed for people to go to Kakashi's house.

Within minutes, a group of shinobi, namely Iruka, the Rookie nine, Gai's team, Kurenai, and Asuma, assembled at Kakashi's front door. Knocking softly so no enemy nin would hear, they listened, hoping to hear Kakashi answer. Instead, they heard only a sibilant hissing noise. They broke the door down. Kakashi, with his shower fully on, didn't even hear them. (Since his father was a legend and Kakashi's pretty darn powerful himself, he probably earns enough for a pretty large house.)

The search and rescue party broke down the door to Kakashi's bathroom, the one place they hadn't searched, just as Kakashi turned the water off. So, seeing a blurry figure, Gai immediately thought 'enemy!' and attacked.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" he shrieked. And landed in a compromising situation on top of a supremely embarrassed, nude, (clean), wet Hatake. Guess which one. Sakumo's dead. And Hatake are famous for being rigidly straight. It didn't help that a) Gai was getting hot due to the fact that Kakashi is just so cute, handsome, and pretty, all at the same time b) Gai's mouth was directly on top of and touching Kakashi's and c) Lee was shouting both about Gai's springtime of youth with the bishounen and how Gai probably wouldn't go out with him anymore.

(AN: God, it would have been funny if it were Iruka in that situation, wouldn't it? But I couldn't find a reason to put it in. So I'll just give you the paragraph I wrote on it.

The shinobi burst into the bathroom to find… Iruka on top of Kakashi? Sadly, both of them were straight, and were in a big mess now. At least they weren't making out. But matters weren't helped out by the fact that Kakashi was wet and naked and Iruka was wet and blushing.

"Ano… Iruka-sensei, why are you making out with Kakashi-sensei in the bathroom? Shouldn't we be finding—Itai!" Naruto screeched.

Everyone else sweatdropped, and the Mary Sue laughed her head off. (and took pictures as blackmail material) )

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The Mary Sue looked at the application on her web. The online dating service showed at least fifty girls who wanted to date the cute boy named "Sakumo" The list included Ino, Sakura, and Tenten.

Tensa-chan smirked as she hooked up all but the four kunoichi to meet at the memorial stone with Kakashi at eight in the morning the day Team Seven was off duty. She told them to search for a 26-year-old spiky-white haired man with a hitai-ate covering his left eye. She printed out the relevant pages and jumped out the window.

Then, she snuck over to Kakashi's house to steal all his masks and anything resembling his masks that he could use, including towels and bedsheets. She also took his Icha Icha, ninja gear, and money. In the end, the house was stripped of anything cloth, which included most of the furniture and all of the tatami. With an evil laugh, she left the pages telling him about the dates and a ransom note that stated that he would have to go to the stone if he wanted his items back. (AN: Without his ninja gear, he can't go on missions and make money to replace his stuff. Tee Hee Hee.)

The next free day, Kakashi was at the memorial stone without his mask, looking at the names and complaining to Obito in his mind. Suddenly, he heard a storm of footsteps, indicating rabid fangirls. At that moment, Tensa-chan chose to use the Kanashibari no Jutsu to freeze him in place. By the time he managed to free himself, it was too late.

Tensa-chan strode away from his screams, whistling as she used chakra strings to send everything back to his house. Well, everything but his Icha Icha. She needed those for other things. Besides, they were interesting.

The week after the disaster, a certain Suna kunoichi mailed in a request to see the infamous Sakumo's face, as the picture on his website had mysteriously disappeared. Tensa-chan emailed her a picture of Rock Lee drunken while he was fighting Kimimaro.

That day at Suna, there was an emergency as the Yondaime Kazekage's daughter and the Godaime Kazekage's sister was hospitalized due to intense mental trauma. Meanwhile, at Konoha, a certain irate dog-nin destroyed half of Konoha searching for his beloved Icha Icha.

After all, there's a reason why most Hidden Villages ban internet dating services.

In response to Tensa-chan's prank, the brilliant Jinchuuriki Kazekage (who's already figured it out) sent a videotape of Kakashi fighting Itachi. Who knows where he got it, although it looks suspiciously like it was taken from Kisame's point of view….

Tensa-chan took the tape, went to a video productions class, and added a suspiciously stinky noise to the clip when Itachi used Tsukiyomi on him. Then, she jumped out the window to initiate Phase Two…

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Oooh, cliffie! Until next time, which won't be as long, or half as long, ta ta!


	3. Chapter 3

2stupid: And here is Chapter Three…

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50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts

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Chapter Three

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_In response to Tensa-chan's prank, the brilliant Jinchuuriki Kazekage (who's already figured it out) sent a videotape of Kakashi fighting Itachi. Who knows where he got it, although it looks suspiciously like it was taken from Kisame's point of view…. _

_Tensa-chan took the tape, went to a video productions class, and added a suspiciously stinky noise to the clip when Itachi used Tsukiyomi on him. Then, she jumped out the window to initiate Phase Two… _

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Tensa-chan snuck into Kakashi's house, took out his signed edition of Icha Icha Paradise: The Movie, Platinum Edition, and replaced it with the beloved tape she had made. She then snuck out, giggling, back to her computer and the online dating service as another fangirl found herself with a date with "the infamous Sakumo," whose picture had mysteriously reappeared online again. In Suna, an angry Temari was plotting to get revenge upon the Mary Sue….

The next day Kakashi was bringing home his girlfriend of six hours. They were obviously good to go, but then the girl saw Icha Icha Paradise: The Movie, Platinum Edition, and forced Kakashi (who was fine with it anyway) to watch it.

So they slid in the tape…. And saw Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai fighting Kisame and Itachi. The girlfriend watched Itachi fight with sparkly eyes.

Kakashi was mortified. Just then, in the video, Itachi did the Tsukiyomi on him and he fell. What was horrifying was the Naruto Fart noise ™ that had been added on.

His face turned maroon (not that you could tell), his eyes bulged out and rolled up, and his blood pressure hit 1000 and he promptly collapsed, foaming at the mouth. (AN: Like he did to Sakura in the genin exam. Also, the blood pressure to 1000 and collapse isn't mine. Someone did it to Neji. Thanx for the idea, though!)

The girlfriend looked at Itachi with sparkly eyes. Then she grabbed a post-it and a pen, and promptly broke up with him. Then she set off to search for one Uchiha Itachi. Beware, boy. The fangirls are coming.

When Kakashi read the post-it, which included the fact that he had been dumped by a girl in favor of Itachi, he decided he didn't want to know. He then proceeded to destroy the tape, which was still in the player.

Too bad the Mary Sue, who from hereonafter shall be named Tensa-chan, because that is her name, had already switched the tapes and he was destroying his precious Icha Icha.

When he realized _that_ his scream could be heard 50 klicks away. Tensa-chan simply whistled and walked away.

When she reached her destination, she walked over to the doorbell and rang it. The only resident opened the door.

"May I help you?"

"Girls just aren't for Kakashi," she said, meanwhile hypnotizing the man to dress in a suit and go to Kakashi's house, flowers in hand.

"I want to go on a date with you," Iruka said scarily, shoving the flowers in Kakashi's face when he answered his doorbell.

Suddenly Iruka froze. "If you don't go on a date with Iruka I dare you to beat yourself up," said the Mary Sue, Tensa-chan.

"I'll beat myself up," Kakashi said fervently.

"Good." Tensa-chan hid the videotape she stole from Temari in his living room as Kakashi began beating the crap out of himself.

One he was done, Tensa-chan came back in. "Here's some antiseptic," she said.

Kakashi put some in.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tensa-chan smirked, also videotaping Kakashi in complete and utter pain.

(2stupid: You sadistic bitch.

Tensa-chan: Antisocial bitch.

2stupid: That was low.

Tensa-chan: Shut up. I'm watching Kakashi suffer.)

The next day, Kakashi had a new girlfriend to counteract the stress.

"You know, he beats himself up almost constantly. There's no stopping him."

"You actually videotaped him? You're evil! Get away from me, malos alter ego!"

"2stupid?"

"Who'd you expect?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Keeping him safe from you!"

Tensa-chan forced Kakashi to ditch 2stupid, who returned to sulking and typing in front of the computer.

Tensa-chan looked at the list, and smiled and went to rob the Uchiha sector….

Poor Kakashi was mourning the loss of the rest of Team Seven when he heard someone come up behind him.

"Nice weather, huh?"

"Yes." Kakashi didn't turn around.

"So that's how you greet old team mates?"

Kakashi turned around, confused; as far as he knew, the only old team mates he had were either in ANBU, heaven, Shinigami's stomach, the Ramen shop, or Akatsuki.

"Obito!" Kakashi said before his eyes rolled up, his mouth frothed, and his heart finally beat to fast to continue.

Just then, 2stupid popped out of the bushes.

"Yougavehimaheartattack!" she cried as she ran him to the hospital.

"Eh, I hope there's no permanent damage. I'm not done yet."

A week later, Kakashi was in the hospital, hearing about his team's training under Yamato when Sakura suddenly tossed something at him and said, "Oh, by the way, a scary chick told me to give this to you."

It was… dun dun dun! The saltwater antiseptic!

"How did you get this past screening?"

"There's nothing harmful about it," the pinky replied. They left.

"Hiya. Sorry I'm late," said a familiar voice by the window. "I had to help an old lady with her groceries. By the way, you okay? Didn't want to lose you."

Kakashi turned to the voice. And promptly had another heart attack.

"You gave him another one!" cried 2stupid from her position recording the fanfic before Tensa-chan shut off the character radio loudspeaker.

"Hey nurse! He just wouldn't take his antiseptic."

When he was released from the hospital two weeks later due to his "relapse", he saw a certain Mary Sue holding a costume of Obito.

"You've had 2 heart attacks and random sightings of Obito in the last week. You need some antiseptic."

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Short, but I hope you'll like it.


	4. Chapter 4

2stupid: So I decided to write another one.

Tensa-chan: Don't ask why, but this is probably the last chapter.

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Part Four

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Tensa was walking around happily when she decided to do # 42 on her list. "Almost done!" she whistled cheerfully. A few paranoid shinobi took that as a threat and decided to defuse whatever Konoha-blowing up bomb she had 'chosen to integrate, due to the laxness of our ANBU nowadays.'

"Tsunade-sama, it would be in your best interest to see if Hatake-san still has what it takes to be a jounin. Besides, didn't he upset the Hospital yesterday?" If there was one thing Tsunade thought sacrosanct, it was the Konoha Hospital (and most casinos and bars, but they don't count), most advanced in the world. They even had MRIs and Ultrasounds.

"Alright. Tell him I want to see him now." Tensa had the propriety to bow out of the room before breaking out into peals of discordant, maniacal laughter. Tsunade never noticed because she was doing the same.

An empty sake bottle flew out the door, leaving a hole in the wood and hitting Tensa on the head. "NOW!" Tsunade screeched. Even a Mary Sue has to follow the orders of a more powerful being.

Grumbling, our author's alter ego picked herself up and walked off to find Kakashi. This was going to be interesting.

When she told him, Kakashi looked at her, the blood draining from his face until even his mask was white. Then he promptly fainted from lack of oxygen to the brain.

"Ooh, that's going to take a while to fix."

The next day, the whole population of the Hidden Leaf Village turned out to watch their Hokage beat the crap out of the poor nin who had upset the Hospital. There was an air of carnival, and popcorn and cotton candy were making a hit. Ichiraku Ramen quietly blessed the gods as many Naruto-like people sold them out and made the two billionaires.

In the end, the spectacle was even more promising than had thought, ending when Tsunade smashed Kakashi's skull with a definite "crunch" sound most shinobi enjoyed hearing. Then the medic nin came in to stabilize him, send him to the ICU, and hope he survived.

Tensa whistled while she walked away. The paranoid shinobi decided to form an organization to guard against her and called it "ROOT"

A month and a lot of chakra later, Kakashi was home. Leaning on crutches and wearing bandages for clothing, mask, and hat, he turned to collapse on his plushy couch when he noticed Tensa there, holding an empty bottle. He barely caught himself, balancing precariously.

"I'm sorry, but I ran out of antiseptic." At the sound of 'antiseptic' Kakashi shuddered, realized his position, attempted to wheel his arms to regain his balance, and crashed down in a wonderful explosion of 'snap, crackle, and pop' of breaking and tearing bones, muscles, ligaments, and tissue.

It took another year for him to heal, and even then, he was plagued by nightmares of the dread Mary Sue and her antiseptic from hell.

He had come home severely injured from an ambush directly after a harrowing battle with a few S-class nukenin two weeks after that. Now, he was mostly healed but for a motley collection of large cuts and burns.

He came home and collapsed on his plushie couch. Which was a plushie couch.

"WHERE DID MY PLUSHY COUCH GO? WHO REPLACED IT WITH A PLUSHIE COUCH?" Of course, the neighbors did not understand his 'plushie/plushy' problem, and told him to shut up. So he make a beeline for his bed after drinking a glass of water from his sink. The glass had been laced with a fast-acting, undetectable sleeping drug.

A shadowed figure crept into the house.

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Tensa giggled as she alternately pressed the 'a' and the 'Enter' buttons. This was fun! Turning back to the job at hand, she pulled an extra large bottle of squeezable peanut butter out of a Lucky's (yes, that's a real store) shopping bag. She began squeezing, then opened the door and summoned the dogs.

Kakashi woke up in pain and surrounded by antiseptic bottles.

The next time Kakashi was on an S-class mission Tensa decided to have a "Movie Night" at his house and invited Iruka, the Rookie Nine, Gai and his team, and all the rest of his friends, including Obito's, Rin's, Yondy's, and Sakumo's ghosts. Then she showed all her homemade movies. Everyone laughed at the Naruto fart noise ™ added to Kakashi's getting beat up by Itachi. Several visiting Akatsuki members cheered and pounded the victor, who was occupying the plushy couch with Naruto and his younger sibling (and the two were not fighting! Tensa-chan can create miracles!). They laughed even harder when they saw what Tensa had done to the videotape of Kakashi dropping after using the Mangekyou on Deidara, who had both his hands back.

When Kakashi returned, he figured out what had happened and decided to go on the warpath. Unbeknownst to him, he was being videotaped.

The next day, everyone received a notice telling them that there would be more next week.

The reactions were intense. It took months for the furor to die down, and even then, it was still the choice of gossip around the Shinobi world. Even princess Yuki heard about it.

"Marco!" Kakashi was silent. He had hoped she'd go away by now, but it was not to be so; apparently she had just come back from some planning.

Without warning, stars exploded in his head as he heard a "WHY AREN"T YOU SAYING POLO, DAVE!"

"POLO!" he screeched, protecting his poor head.

"IT"S TOO LATE NOW, BAKA!" she screeched as she hit it again.

"SORRY!"

"DON'T SAY SORRY, READ NINJA BOY SCOUTS BY KAKKANOBI!" she cried.

He did as said, hoping to save his poor head. Halfway through, he choked on something in his body and the blood rushed to his face, turning it flame red and setting his mask on fire. Just then, the phone rang.

"Hey Rin. You and Kakashi still on for Saturday night? Oh, you're with Random Obito sighting #23? Okay. Bye."

The resulting explosion formed a mushroom cloud over the (miraculously undestroyed) Konoha as Kakashi found out he had a new Kekkei Genkai.

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Review! Review!

BAD ONES!

GOOD ONES!

I REALLY DON'T CARE, JUST MAKE ME HAPPY!

While you're at it, review my others, too. If you're good I'll give you a bonus epilogue!

kakkanobi


	5. Chapter 5

2stupid: originally, we were only gonna give you an epilogue if you were good

Tensa-chan: But now we decided to because we knew you wouldn't be able to resist the extra laugh.

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EPILOGUE!!!

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"So you're going to be gone from my life?" Kakashi asked, relieved.

"YUP!" Tensa said, sounding a lot like a female Naruto… Naruko! "I'M OFF TO BOTHER OROCHIMARU NOW, SO UNLESS SASUKE RUNS OFF WITH HIM OR YOU MEET UP WITH HIM ACCIDENTALLY, I WON'T SEE YOU AGAIN! IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOUR FLAME OF YOUTH!! And here is a keepsake," she said, handing him a… bottle of antiseptic. And a large guide on how to make and use it to a) prank people and b) defeat them in battle.

"BYE!" A cheerful Konoha populace waved.

"We'll reserve a house for you should you choose to come back," Tsunade called after them.

"I'll come back after I mess up Orochimaru! I promise!" Tensa called back. Then she sucked herself into a little whirlpool of darkness into… gods know where. I didn't follow her.

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Yes, that was the epilogue. Sweet and short. God, I hate ending things like this. It's so sad! But at least it's done, so I can concentrate on my other two projects… and start taking over 'The White Wolf' by Hatake something Fenrikkusu or whatever his name is now.

Adieu!

Adios!

Bye!

Ja ne!

Zai Jian!

Valve!  This is Latin. It's actually pronounced 'Walwe.' (and Hello is 'Salve', pronounced 'Salwe.' Those Romans had too much time on their hands to be fiddling with language like that.)

And good bye in any other language you know!

Oh, and here's a list of all 50, incase I forgot any. If I did, then please tell me and I'll put in more chapters to deal with them.

1. Record Naruto farting in Kiba's face on a sound recorder and play it constantly.

2. Tell Jiraiya that Kakashi thinks Make Out Paradise is horrible literature.

3. Tell Team 7 to meet at Obito's grave at 4 in the morning.

4. At the next meeting, get in charge of the control room and say over the loudspeaker, "All Music Courtesy of Kakashi Hatake."

5. When Asuma stands up to speak, play "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson.

6. When Kurenai stands up to speak, play "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani.

7. When Gai stands up to speak, play "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain.

8. When the Hokage stands up to speak play "Ordinary People" by John Legend.

9. When Kakashi stands up to speak play "Macarena."

10. When he sits down play that recording of Naruto's fart.

11. Watch as he gets beaten to a bloody pulp by everyone he gave a theme song to.

12. When they're done, offer some antiseptic.

13. Replace the antiseptic with saltwater.

14. Call him Dave.

15. When he yells at you for calling him Dave, call him David.

16. Then Davey.

17. After training, slip a piece of paper with Kakashi's phone number on it and give it to Sakura, saying "Kakashi wanted me to give this to you."

18. Do Number 17 except with Sasuke.

19. Then Iruka.

20. Watch as Kakashi picks up the phone and talks to a very embarrassed Iruka.

21. When he sleeps, put peanut butter on his feet and let the dogs in.

22. Whenever he takes a shower run through the village screaming "Help! It's an emergency! Go to Kakashi's house!"

23. Put him on an online dating service.

24. When one of his new online girlfriends asks him for his picture, send her a picture of drunken Rock Lee.

25. Videotape him battling Itachi and whenever Kakashi falls add the Naruto Fart noise.

26. Replace the Itachi video with Kakashi's favorite movie.

27. Get him a girlfriend and invite her over for a movie The Itachi one. Play it to Kakashi's horror.

28. Remind Kakashi that he has lost 2 girlfriends in the past 3 days.

29. Tell Iruka that "Girls just aren't for Kakashi."

30. Watch as Iruka shows up at Kakashi's house in a suit, flowers in hand.

31. Tell Kakashi "If you don't go on a date with Iruka I dare you to beat yourself up."

32. Videotape Kakashi beating himself up.

33. Offer the saltwater antiseptic.

34. When he gets a new girlfriend, show her the tape of Kakashi beating himself up and say "He beats himself up almost constantly. There's no stopping him."

35. Dress up as Obito and hide behind a bush while Kakashi mourns. Pop out behind him and say, "Nice weather, huh?"

36. Watch as he has a heart attack.

37. Toss the saltwater antiseptic at him.

38. Stay dressed as Obito when he's in the hospital. When he wakes up say "You okay? Didn't want to lose you."

39. Watch his 2nd heart attack.

40. Call a nurse and say "He just wouldn't take his antiseptic."

41. Take off the costume and when he gets home remind him that he's had 2 heart attacks and random Obito sightings in the last week.

42. Convince Tsunande to fight Kakashi. Tell Kakashi that Tsunande wants to fight him. Watch as Kakashi gets beaten to a bloody pulp.

43. When he gets home from the hospital say "I'm sorry, but I ran out of antiseptic."

44. When he sleeps, put peanut butter on his wounds and let the dogs in.

45. Have "Movie Night" at Kakashi's house and invite all of his friends. Show all of your homemade movies.

46. Videotape Kakashi's reaction to "Movie Night."

47. Tell everyone to come again next week, he'll have even more.

48. Say "Marco" and expect him to say "Polo." When he doesn't say Polo, hit him on the head and say, "WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING POLO, DAVE!"

49. Have him read "Ninja Boy Scouts" by kakkanobi'me' .

50. Get Naruto in on this one: have Naruto call Kakashi's house. Pick up the phone and say "Hey Rin. You and Kakashi still on for Saturday night? Oh, you're with Random Obito sighting #23? Okay. Bye."


End file.
